As you have been reading you will know that I love quotes and how they can relate to us even if they were said many years ago. My favorite quote is by a philosopher named Henry David Thoreau and the quote is “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them.” 

He wrote this in 1854 and even in 2024 this quote resonates with me so much. I have felt that quiet desperation before and every now and then this feeling comes back. But let’s dive a little deeper into this quote and how us dads are impacted by this quiet desperation. 

Meaning Behind Quiet Desperation:

This quote has been gaining some popularity over the years but I bet you haven’t tried to break it down and look at the meaning behind the quote. According to the National Humanities Center, Thoreau’s writing was a reflection on how humanity tends to reside in a “quiet desperation”. So what does that really mean? 

Personally, I think that the quote is saying that most men live lives playing it safe but long for something greater. You may be feeling stuck at your job but just thinking about looking for a new job makes you fearful so you decide to play it safe and stay. Or you might have misguided values in life which makes you feel this desperation for something more meaningful. You might have an idea for something that could make you feel more fulfilled in life but are scared to make the move so just like in the quote, you take that great idea to the grave with you. 

So how does this quote resonate with us dads going through the everyday grind of fatherhood? It can help us find some areas to feel fulfilled in what we do either at work or at home. It may help us to find out that we don’t have the right values in place. Or it can also point out the downfalls that may happen if we play it safe and not go after our dreams.

Feeling Fulfilled:

I feel like we should ask ourselves, do we feel fulfilled in our everyday life? What does fulfillment look to us and how do we maintain it? Now don’t get me wrong, I have days where I do not feel fulfilled and think to myself, what in the hell I am doing. But we should strive to get as much as we can out of life and that starts by doing something meaningful with our lives. When you have a fulfilled life, you have a joyful life.

Personally for the longest time I would just have a few weeks of feeling fulfilled then go back to wishing for something bigger. For clarification, when I say something bigger, I don’t mean creating a huge company or having a lot of money. I mean “something bigger” than me in the sense of making an impact in my community. A couple of times I have had the feeling of fulfillment was making furniture in my woodworking shop for people but this was just a hobby that would come and go. I needed to find something that was challenging and able to make me fulfilled in life.

We as dads need to feel fulfilled in life and I know with raising our kids, we can find fulfillment in that. But finding it in a career or hobby will add more joy to our lives. When we feel fulfilled in life our spouse, children, and friends can see the difference in us. Which is what I want my children to chase in a career, something that makes them fulfilled. Not just the career that just makes them a salary.

Misguided Values:

Everyone has different values in life and what they deem important. But what we need to look at is the values you have set in place now causing you to have joy or frustration in your life. I personally have had misguided values in the past and changing them has given joy and fulfillment in my life. During my days as a medical sales rep, I had some values that I thought were important and they were. But they were taking priority over things that truly mattered. 

My top three values at the time were money, work, and family. The first value was money and for a lot of you this may be your number one priority also. As I made more and more money with commissions and promotions I realized I always wanted more and never felt satisfied with what I had. 

Second value I had was work. I wanted to be the best, I wanted to be number one, I wanted to get promoted and have “that title.” I always thought that if I get that title or make this much it will make me happier…but it didn’t. It just left me feeling more empty on the inside and wanting more. 

The third value was family and this one was a no brainer. Family is always important and this was the only value I had that was bringing me joy. But as you can see it was not my number one priority.

Quiet Desperation Changes My Values:

During this time I fell into a pretty bad depression with a lot of anxiety and I thought that maybe I needed to make a change with my values. Then my daughter had her surgery which solidified the decision for me that I definitely needed to change my values. I needed to find fulfillment and joy again but in the things that really matter. 

My new values that I have had for awhile now are God, family, and work. I made God my first priority for many reasons but the main one was that I needed to get right by God and lead life with him. 

Second priority was family and yeah I had them at number three on my previous values. But to be honest, I wasn’t as present as I should have been. I was constantly thinking about work or money. If a work call came during family time, I would immediately leave the room to take the call. Teaching my daughter that this after hour phone call was more important than spending time with her, definitely needed to change. 

Lastly is work and if your job brings you joy or a sense of fulfillment then that’s awesome. For me, at first work was all I cared about. Life wasn’t great if work wasn’t great. But then I realized I was idolizing money and my career. They were the gods that I worshiped. I needed to find joy in life again and the only way to do that was to change my values. I found a book by Kyle Idleman titled “God at War” helped me reevaluate my values. It helped me identify the idols I had in my life and what was truly important. Click here to check it out. (amazon link)

Playing it Safe:

We have all done it once in our lives, playing it safe. Either we choose the same restaurant to eat at, playing it safe because we know what we like there. Or not taking that risky investment due the cons outweighing the pros. For this scenario I am talking about playing it safe with your dreams. 

Some of us have great ideas or a dream that we want to take. Might be anywhere from a new business idea, turning our hobby into a full time job, or that risky sales job that could take you to the next level financially. 

In the quote “going to the grave with the song still in them” he is speaking about the dream that we have but never taking the chance. Which then leads us to taking our dream to our grave. Most, if not all of us have a dream but we do not act on it, why is that? Most of the time we have responsibilities and taking that big of a risk scares the crap out of us. Some might fear what people would think if we took a chance on something different. But instead of thinking about what if it all fails, start thinking to yourself what if it all works out. What if it all actually goes accordingly and your dream becomes a reality. 

I have seen dads play it safe, take the safe practical job and years later learn  that safe job just did a massive layoff and he no longer has a job. This book “The Power of Positive Think” by Norman Vincnet Peale (amazon link) helped me get into the right mindset with my career and helped me focus on the change I need to make for my future. Another great book to read is “The Magic Of Thinking Big” by David Schwartz (amazon link). It helped me get out of my comfort zone and think bigger with my dreams.

Conclusion:

When’s the last time you looked at your career or life and ask yourself, do I live a life of quiet desperation? Are my values what I want them to be and am I feeling fulfilled in life? Am I the one standing in the way of my dream life? 

These are the questions I started to ask myself a couple of years ago and still ask them on occasion just to make sure I am where I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still question myself daily on if this will actually work or should I throw in the towel while it’s still early. Every day is a challenge to go against what is the norm and try to get the life you want. Be different and don’t be a man who lives in a quiet desperation. 

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